Mediations on Failure
Today was a bizarre day.
I freaked out because a project I have been working on for about a year is really falling into the shitter, excuse the language. It is one of those things that you work at and you work at, and one day you realize that it is a big, fat failure. Nothing you can do about it. It just blows. So then, of course, you blame yourself, although there is not much you could do. You have tried your best. You have fought the fight, but when you are trying to create something where there is nothing there is always help needed, and when no help comes, well, nothing remains. But, as they say, "What can ya do?"
So, in the midst of realizing my project's failure my fiance, B.J. knew exactly what to do. First, he pushed me about it. Gently trying to make me realize that it was the project's failure and not mine, that it was the people to whom I turned who had let me down and not myself. When that didn't work, and I was balled up on the bed, he came into the room, took off his shoes, and held me for a long time. Quiet while I cried. This was right.
Thinking about it now, after the post-cry nap, and seeing a movie; now when it is dark and B.J. is packing his things for another week on the road with is acting troupe, I really could give a rat's ass about the project. So what if it failed. You work really, really hard to be noticed, for someone to tell you that you did a good job or so that your name will be mentioned in the paper, and really those aren't the things that sustain you. You try so hard to impress people and that doesn't even last a second, if that long. I don't really know very much about anything. Most of this blog is a lot of bluster, just a way for me to work stuff out in my head, so if it sounds pompous or elitist, I am sorry. But, I am pretty sure about this. I might not really know what does sustain us, but I am pretty sure good cries, naps, and seeing a movie with your best friend is a little closer than seeing your name in print.
Well, that's all for now.
Good Night and God Bless.
I freaked out because a project I have been working on for about a year is really falling into the shitter, excuse the language. It is one of those things that you work at and you work at, and one day you realize that it is a big, fat failure. Nothing you can do about it. It just blows. So then, of course, you blame yourself, although there is not much you could do. You have tried your best. You have fought the fight, but when you are trying to create something where there is nothing there is always help needed, and when no help comes, well, nothing remains. But, as they say, "What can ya do?"
So, in the midst of realizing my project's failure my fiance, B.J. knew exactly what to do. First, he pushed me about it. Gently trying to make me realize that it was the project's failure and not mine, that it was the people to whom I turned who had let me down and not myself. When that didn't work, and I was balled up on the bed, he came into the room, took off his shoes, and held me for a long time. Quiet while I cried. This was right.
Thinking about it now, after the post-cry nap, and seeing a movie; now when it is dark and B.J. is packing his things for another week on the road with is acting troupe, I really could give a rat's ass about the project. So what if it failed. You work really, really hard to be noticed, for someone to tell you that you did a good job or so that your name will be mentioned in the paper, and really those aren't the things that sustain you. You try so hard to impress people and that doesn't even last a second, if that long. I don't really know very much about anything. Most of this blog is a lot of bluster, just a way for me to work stuff out in my head, so if it sounds pompous or elitist, I am sorry. But, I am pretty sure about this. I might not really know what does sustain us, but I am pretty sure good cries, naps, and seeing a movie with your best friend is a little closer than seeing your name in print.
Well, that's all for now.
Good Night and God Bless.
posted by Chandra @ 7:37 PM
2 Comments:
At 8:19 PM,
john said…
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
At 10:05 PM,
Ang said…
WTF is up with all the spam?
Anyway. Don't think you go unnoticed. Those of us that really matter know how hard you try, the good work that you do, and that you have a wonderful heart that is obviously in the right place. I love you.
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